两年了

时间过得真快
距离上一次发帖已经有两年的时间了。

hmm
两年前我在干嘛呢
读回以前的贴子
绝大部分写的东西都是有关于大学、实习还有生活中的一些琐碎的事情。
真的感觉以前的自己真的很有时间啊
什么东西都可以讲的长篇大论 哈哈哈哈

自从Instagram, snapchat 还有facebook story 开始盛兴以后
都没什么人在写blog 了
以前读初中的时候, 写blog真的是一个趋势呢
那时候受身边的朋友影响， 我也为自己开了一个账号
哈哈， 我还记得我几乎都把自己情窦初开的心情都写在这里了。
那些从未说出口的肉麻情话， 都写在这里了。
看会以前的自己， 真的是想把自己给捏死。哈哈！真的不知道自己在想什么。

不过， 过了这么久，我还以为BLOGGER 这个网站都已经被关闭了呢
今天一时兴起，输入自己blogger的网址，没想到还能够access。
这里承载了我多年前的回忆，没被关闭真的是太好了。

两年了。
说长不长，说短不短。
以前大学时期很期待毕业的我，也在去年10月如愿的毕业了。
然后我目前正在新加坡就业中。

新加坡这个地方，
比起马来西亚就真的小了很多，
但它比马来西亚繁荣得太多了。
在这里，就算自己没有车也可以以公共交通来代步。
巴士什么的都会准时抵达巴士站，而且地方也很干净。
吃方面， 东西也不贵， 小贩中心都还可以找到3块钱的食物 （不要convert 啦please)
只是在房租上面就会比较贵 (因为新加坡地小）

在这里工作也快接近半年了
也开始慢慢习惯这里的步伐了
但头头的时候压力也很大， 有几次还甚至怀疑自己是不是得了忧郁症
因为那时候的心情几乎都很忧郁， 很伤心， 甚至有时候会没有原因的一直哭， 对身边的所有事情都缺乏兴趣。每天只想躺在床上哭。

这个事情，我并没有告诉家人， 反而我只告诉了身边几个非常信任的朋友。
在告诉我其中一个朋友的时候，我还记得那时候我们一起约了吃海底捞， 结果讲起这件事的时候我竟然在海底捞哭了起来 哈哈哈哈哈哈
不懂的人还以为海底捞好吃到哭了呢。

以前我不明白为什么有些人会得忧郁症。
甚至在面书上划到关于忧郁症患者写的贴，我的心底还会有一丝丝的不解与鄙视。
我心想：

“这世界上有什么坎是过不去的？有必要这么悲观嘛？”

曾经有人说过， 板子不是打在自己的身上， 你是不会知道疼的。 

我想现在的我是终于深深的体会到这句话的意思了。

在我朋友面前哭的时候， 

我的朋友是彻底的吓着了。 

她说看我平时嘻嘻哈哈的，没想到我心里藏着这么多东西。 

对于我这个人，平时是很在意别人的看法。 

我真的特别在意。 

做错了一件事，我在意的不是做错事的后果， 我在意的是会不会被同事在背后闲言闲语；会不会被上司质疑我的能力。 

就连过个马路，我都会认为车子上的人都在看着我过马路。 

是的， 我已经是严重在意到这种地步。 

所以我过得很累。 

每天都过得战战兢兢的。 

我也不想的。 

但我真的无法控制自己。 

在网上做了一些关于忧郁的测试。 

10个问题里面， 我中了8题。 

我也不懂这个测试是不是准确的， 可是我觉得我自己真的生病了。 

我没告诉我家人， 因为我不想他们担心。 

每次他们打电话来问我关于工作的事情时， 我都会说自己okay， 没问题。 

殊不知， 放下电话后是我自己无法控制的眼泪。 

但感谢的是自己身边有懂得自己的朋友。 

所以我也学会在适当的时候要多跟身边的人多聊聊，释放自己的压力。 

得空的时候， 我也会找一些事情来做来分散自己的注意力。 

忧郁不可怕， 可怕的是没人关心，没人理解。 

但是我想我是幸运的，至少身边还有一群时时来关心自己的朋友。 

最后，至正在阅读这篇文章的你 ：（虽然不懂有没有人会看到这篇文章 LOL) 

也许未来的路途会很遥远，很险峻。

路途中你也许会想哭，会想放弃。 

但是请你答应我， 也答应你自己， 

无论如何，一定要一直走下去。 

因为这个世界上还有很多美好的事物在等你去发掘。

加油。

End of my year 3.

Can't believe how time flies. I have successfully finished my first internship.
Still remember how nervous I was when I went to the ward during the first day (even though I have previously posted to the ward before, like of all my friends, I'm the only panicking, LOL)

I'm so lucky to be able to posted to medical ward, coz not only the ward sisters are very friendly and nice, most of the staffs were friendly and willing to teach too. I heard from my friends that things were pretty hardcore at surgical ward, and I felt really blessed that I'm not posted to the ward during my first Internship. Not only things were crazy over there, the lecturer who supervise them were crazy and insane as well.

My internship went pretty smoothly, except when there was one time I worked as team leader and there's pregnant stuff nurse who was unwilling to teach us anything about team leadership. She did all the admission by herself and I felt pretty useless working under her supervision. I mean the only thing she ever allowed student to do were things like checking whether the cleaner has cleaned the bed, whether the beds were ready for admission, if not, you have to put on the bed sheet and make sure the cubicle is clean enough for admission. I felt pretty useless working under her. I did not know whether she's being hormonal or what, but I can feel that she's having issues with student nurses. Anyhow, I only worked under her for once, and that was really dreadful. Unlike my friends who need to work under her for twice, I count myself as lucky.

Since it's medical ward, the mortality rate was pretty high, especially those who stayed in the high dependency unit (HDU). I have came across patient who was doing just fine and was about to discharge but suddenly collapsed and passed away. Seeing their relatives and family members breaking down in the corridor is just heart breaking. It reminded me of the time when my grandpa passed away. Life is just so fragile never take things for granted, you'll never know when bad things gonna happen. 

Moving On

It is not easy to move on, 

and it's never easy. 

I'm devastated, angry and furious. 

I couldn't concentrate on my studies for the first few days. 

I put on a fake smile and pretend that I was fine so that nobody can sense something's wrong with me. 

But never do they know that I secretly cry in the shower, not knowing what to do next. 

I was lost. 

It was hard during the first few days, 

I constantly looked at my phone and when it vibrates, I always hope that he would text me in the first place, saying that he said those words out of anger. 

But when I unlocked the screen, disappointment is all I get. 

I seriously thought about reconciling, but my dignity and pride got hold of me, I didn't want to be the first one to give it in. 

But then in the end I surrender myself. 

I pleaded him to stay. 

He didn't say yes. But he's hesitating. 

If he has the intention to reconcile, he would have say 'yes' immediately. But he didn't. 

Knowing his answer already, I didn't want to force him to stay. 

I mean, forcing someone to stay when they don't want to, this kind of relationship won't last long. and it 's not something that I want in the first place. 

Perhaps in the end, it's just me who overthink that everything could be alright if I apologize in the first place. 

However,after knowing the answer from him, 

I somehow feel better, my sorrows are lifted, well at least a little bit. 

At least I have tried my best. Even though things didn't work out the way that I want. 

Do I feel sad? yes. 

Do I feel angry? yes. Coz I never thought he would give up on the relationship so easily. 

Do I regret? Maybe yes, maybe no, If he's the one, he will stay no matter what. 

My friend scolded me for losing myself in this relationship. 

People said a girl shouldn't lose their pride and dignity by pleading the guy to stay, well that's what most people would say. 

I only know at that moment I didn't want to lose him due to my ego. 

I keep wondering whether he really meant those words, or is he saying those words out of anger just to give me a lesson. 

That kind of uncertainty leaves me hanging in the air and I literally can't concentrate and focus on the things that I want to do. 

That's the reason why I took the first step when trying to reconcile with him.

Well, I kinda relieved that I did that. At least I've tried, that's what that matters. =)

Now that we are no longer couples, I have tried to delete all the pictures, posts all about him in my phone and Instagram. 

I guess that's my kind of way of moving on? 

I'm a bit afraid of getting triggered when I see things that are related to him. 

Luckily I have good support system. 

As I said during the first few days of the break up was hard, because I didn't disclose the break up to anyone except my family members. 

But I feel reluctant to discuss this matter with my family members because I didn't want them to worry about me, and I pretend that I was okay with the break up but actually I'm dying inside. 

But things got better when I discuss this matter with my friends, the first one that ever learnt about this is my friend who is in the same university as me. 

Her boyfriend came over from Singapore that time and we had lunch at one of this Japanese restaurant. 

I remember how i broke down into tears in this Japanese restaurant when they kept asking me am I okay, what actually happened. 

I'm just glad that I have such a good support system, especially my friends and family members who are always there when I'm down. I really couldn't ask for more. You guys are they best gifts ever. 

A lot of people ask me whether am I going to say Hi to him on the streets if we ever accidentally bumped into each other. 

I don't know. I seriously don't know. 

For the time being, I can't really see him as a friend anymore. (even though people say couples still can be friends if they broke up, in which I think is a total bullshit)

Maybe I will say Hi or maybe I won't. 

Maybe I will just turn my head around and pretend that I didn't see him. 

I seriously can't pretend that nothing happened between us. 

I can't. 

It's almost a month since we broke up. 

Am I doing okay? Perhaps. 

I still caught glimpse of him whenever I pass by places we used to go. 

I guess time is all I needed now?

It will heal slowly I promise, one day it will.