Waiting to be loved.

Time flies, now that my second semester has finally ended.

Enough with the assignments, exams, osce, continuous assessment, presentations, I'm temporarily freed from these bullshit. Hooray for the temporary freedom. What's exciting when you know that the semester is coming to an end, it's that you get to go home.

Being a girl who never leave home for 20 years, leaving home to pursue my studies got me cry like a baby when I spent the first night alone in the room. I hated leaving my home behind, but I have to deal with the feeling of leaving home for 4 years again. TT

Speaking of this semester, it has been a really hectic one, imagine the first day our lecturer has already given us the assignment guideline, we have video shooting and other stuff to do, I almost think that I couldn't make it through the semester, there are times I think of quitting my course, pursue other field that is less tiring. But then I think there are reasons why I chose this course in the first place, and whatever that is I should continue study and serve the people. 

Speaking of serving the people, posting in the hospital was actually more fun compare to semester one. This semester we are able to do dressing, injection, intravenous therapy and a lot more. It is definitely much more challenging compare to the first semester. It's tiring, but it's fun, but there are times which I couldn't deal with death and there are times I almost broken into tears when seeing the patient's family members cried. People says it's really challenging to be a nurse, and yes it is.

Enough with the posting stuff, it's really good to back in town, I mean I'm able to enjoy myself literally doing nothing at home, I have mom's cooking as my dinner, though it's just simple dishes, but It's what I crave for during the whole time I'm in KL. I'm able to see my friends whom I didn't see in a long time, and I really miss them. People said you will met tons of friends when you are in university, and sometimes they are the most sincere friends you will ever met, it might be true, but for me, my best friends would always be the one I met during my high school time. I have missed those time spent in Chinese class, we make fun of each other, telling each other dirty jokes, then we would had lunch together before the Chinese class, and then the love birds would sit in pair started to have their chit chat. I missed those moments, those are the best moments in my life. 

Turning 21 is a big deal for certain people. For some people, 21 means you can do decisions on your own, and for some people, 21 is a big turning point in your life, you're no longer a child and it's time to start doing things on your own and be responsible for yourself. But I'm sure it's pretty much another way round for my mom. Ever since i turned 21, she's been asking me things like whether I have met some nice guys in campus, or particularly some handsome nice doctor since I'm in the Faculty of Medicine. She even gave me some advice on things like THE KIND OF BOYS YOU SHOULDN'T DATE. When she learnt that most of my friends are owned, she would always said: Do you have one? And then I will be like roll my eyes until my eyeballs would drop and then just ignore her.  Maybe for her, me turning 21 is like turning 51 for her. I do not know whether I'm going to end up dying alone or not, but seeing my mom worried like that I'm worried as well. Unlike my friends, I'm not the type of person who would take the initiative to open up and speaks first,except if I'm with my real best friends. When I'm surrounded with strangers, I'm usually quiet and reserved, so honestly, I don't really make a lot of friends in University, except for my course mates. So due to my personality it's really hard for me to expand for social circle, and sadly speaking my social circle is only as big as a single 5 cent, that's just how pathetic I am, but those who stayed in my circle are the one who truly care about me, so I guess I'm not that pathetic at all. =) I asked my friend how the hell did they got themselves a boyfriend, some of them told me : Sometimes, you need to forget about your dignity by taking the first moves. Well, they make it sounds like easy, but for me it's like 10 times harder than holding a frog or lizard with my bare hands. I really envy them for the courage they have, to chase after someone they love, which it really is something that I'm lacking of.  I mean I used to have crush on guys when I'm in high school, but it always ended up with one sided love, which the guy don't even know there's a girl like me exist, and actually have a crush on him, they won't even know even they are 6 feet under the ground, haha. Maybe you will think that I'm  too silly for not confessing, but you never know for God's sake I had think about it for gazillion times! But I'm too timid to do so, and I always have this kind of imagination where I confessed but the guy rejected me. I mean, unlike my friends, I'm not even pretty or fair, neither I have body like Miranda Kerr's, I'm just nobody, and it's not weird for me getting rejected. So, until now, even if I have liked someone, I would rather keep it as a secret, because I wasn't sure what the answer that he gives will be the answer that I always wanted to hear if I ever tell him my feelings. Or maybe I will just wait until he discover a nobody like me and confess to me, Laugh-Out-Loud, maybe I should stop building castle in the air. Anyway, gonna stop writing here, didn't expect it's gonna be this long, spent my whole afternoon writing on this post, purely just because I don't feel like abandoning this blog which I started writing years and years ago. =) Adios readers, and have a nice day ahead. 

Hometown Diary

   After months and months of struggling and torture in the University, finally I'm back to my hometown! Being able to go back to where I belong, is the happiest thing that ever happen to my life. 

  My schedule is packed ever since I came back from KL, it's either family time or gathering with friends. Just last night, we had a small gathering with form 6 classmates, and though like almost half of them couldn't make it to the gathering, but still we had a blast. We shared our experience in the university and silly things that we had encountered in the campus, and laugh like a bunch of maniacs. It was silly, but it's the best moment in my life. 

  I was happy that I'm back here, but at the same time I feel like I'm forgetting something. Maybe I was too occupied with the assignments and clinical posting and stuff, i started to forget about those little things that matter to me in the past. I don't forget things easily, but i guess my brain is procrastinating by blocking those important memories of mine. 

  Sometimes, I wonder what if I make a different choice in the first place. What if I choose to go for private university in the first place with my SPM result and choose another course which is totally different from nursing instead of choosing stpm. I wonder am I going to be a different person from who I am today. Sometimes my mom will grumble over the future that I chose and said that I could have chosen something better with my capability. And sometimes what she said make me doubt that whether I have done the right thing in the first place. Yes, it's what want. But sometimes it just make me wonder that will my life be better if i have made a different choice, regardless in studies, or other aspects of my life.

life in university II

     Time flies, it has been months since I fly to KL to study here. Remember how torturing it is during the my first night in the hostel. I ended up crying all night in the room, missing my mom and everyone in the family. And now it has been months I'm here, still trying my best to adapt to the surrounding and the people here. Being a girl who live in a small city, KL is a bit too much for me. I mean it's a great place to shop and a great place to spend your holidays, but it's definitely not an ideal place to live in. Well, it's my personal opinion though, it's just that hustle and bustle of the city is a bit too much to take, I rather live in a place where the air is fresh to breath, a place where we could still see greenies at the road side instead of big buildings and skyscraper. All in all, nothing is better than Miri, and I miss being in Sarawak.

      The people here, well not going to say much. But I would say I don't make a lot of friends here, except my course mates. I'm rather close with them compare to the friends of mine who are in other course. Well, time itself is a problem and being busy with studies and clinical posting is a problem also. I wouldn't blame them for not finding me coz I know they are busy as well. But seeing others who know exactly everybody in the hostel despite the fact that they are studying in different courses, well it does makes me feel like a weirdo. A weirdo who don't have friends, a weirdo who rather stuck in her room instead of going out to make new friends. Because I know that I'm going to be the one who is not going to talk whenever i meet new people, so I will ended up being left out in the corner and staring at my own phones instead of talking to people. All the other people are good in socializing unlike me, they can talk like they knew each other for a long time even though they just met for the first time. So in the end, I'm a turtle who refuse to stick out her head and stays inside her shell for all the time, as it's the only way that she feels herself is completely protected and secured. But luckily all my course mates are really nice despite the fact that we came from different places, and are of different races and different religion. But I'm glad that we are able to mix around together and share jokes and laugh like a maniac together. It's a kind of experience that I don't really get to experience when I'm back in Sarawak as most of my friends are Chinese. Though I really envy those who can make a lot of friends with other, but in the end, what matters the most is that having friends that are truly sincere to you is what that matters.

     Being a novice, a year one semester one nursing student, I faced a lot of hardships during my clinical posting time, I have 6 weeks of clinical posting, and this saturday will be the last day of my clinical posting. I can't believe I actually survived this 6 torturing weeks. Being the fact that we are a nursing students who are doing their degree studies and the fact that we are degree students who has 0 experience in dealing with patients, we faced a lot of prejudice from the staff nurse. well not all of them are bad la, just particular some.LOL. Talking to us in an impolite ways are their style, and our daily routine is to suck it up, no matter how bad their attitude is. At first, we feel very depressed. But I think we are getting used to it already, well you gotta learn to adapt to the environment if you wish to survive. No matter how hard it was during this 6 weeks, I have never tell my mom a single word about the hardships that me and friends are going through. I guess that's what growing up is all about: You tell your parents you are fine even though you're not so they will not worry about you. There are times I feel like want to give up and I even doubt myself whether I have chosen the right thing or not. Sigh, I guess my life has something to say to me: WELCOME TO THE ADULT WORLD.