Moving On

It is not easy to move on, 

and it's never easy. 

I'm devastated, angry and furious. 

I couldn't concentrate on my studies for the first few days. 

I put on a fake smile and pretend that I was fine so that nobody can sense something's wrong with me. 

But never do they know that I secretly cry in the shower, not knowing what to do next. 

I was lost. 

It was hard during the first few days, 

I constantly looked at my phone and when it vibrates, I always hope that he would text me in the first place, saying that he said those words out of anger. 

But when I unlocked the screen, disappointment is all I get. 

I seriously thought about reconciling, but my dignity and pride got hold of me, I didn't want to be the first one to give it in. 

But then in the end I surrender myself. 

I pleaded him to stay. 

He didn't say yes. But he's hesitating. 

If he has the intention to reconcile, he would have say 'yes' immediately. But he didn't. 

Knowing his answer already, I didn't want to force him to stay. 

I mean, forcing someone to stay when they don't want to, this kind of relationship won't last long. and it 's not something that I want in the first place. 

Perhaps in the end, it's just me who overthink that everything could be alright if I apologize in the first place. 

However,after knowing the answer from him, 

I somehow feel better, my sorrows are lifted, well at least a little bit. 

At least I have tried my best. Even though things didn't work out the way that I want. 

Do I feel sad? yes. 

Do I feel angry? yes. Coz I never thought he would give up on the relationship so easily. 

Do I regret? Maybe yes, maybe no, If he's the one, he will stay no matter what. 

My friend scolded me for losing myself in this relationship. 

People said a girl shouldn't lose their pride and dignity by pleading the guy to stay, well that's what most people would say. 

I only know at that moment I didn't want to lose him due to my ego. 

I keep wondering whether he really meant those words, or is he saying those words out of anger just to give me a lesson. 

That kind of uncertainty leaves me hanging in the air and I literally can't concentrate and focus on the things that I want to do. 

That's the reason why I took the first step when trying to reconcile with him.

Well, I kinda relieved that I did that. At least I've tried, that's what that matters. =)

Now that we are no longer couples, I have tried to delete all the pictures, posts all about him in my phone and Instagram. 

I guess that's my kind of way of moving on? 

I'm a bit afraid of getting triggered when I see things that are related to him. 

Luckily I have good support system. 

As I said during the first few days of the break up was hard, because I didn't disclose the break up to anyone except my family members. 

But I feel reluctant to discuss this matter with my family members because I didn't want them to worry about me, and I pretend that I was okay with the break up but actually I'm dying inside. 

But things got better when I discuss this matter with my friends, the first one that ever learnt about this is my friend who is in the same university as me. 

Her boyfriend came over from Singapore that time and we had lunch at one of this Japanese restaurant. 

I remember how i broke down into tears in this Japanese restaurant when they kept asking me am I okay, what actually happened. 

I'm just glad that I have such a good support system, especially my friends and family members who are always there when I'm down. I really couldn't ask for more. You guys are they best gifts ever. 

A lot of people ask me whether am I going to say Hi to him on the streets if we ever accidentally bumped into each other. 

I don't know. I seriously don't know. 

For the time being, I can't really see him as a friend anymore. (even though people say couples still can be friends if they broke up, in which I think is a total bullshit)

Maybe I will say Hi or maybe I won't. 

Maybe I will just turn my head around and pretend that I didn't see him. 

I seriously can't pretend that nothing happened between us. 

I can't. 

It's almost a month since we broke up. 

Am I doing okay? Perhaps. 

I still caught glimpse of him whenever I pass by places we used to go. 

I guess time is all I needed now?

It will heal slowly I promise, one day it will.